Why you cannot help someone who is struggling

A lot of people are married to their problems like a part of their identity. You can only do so much to help them.

Before we start, it’s my birthday month ladies and gentlemen :)

Which is why, for this month, you can get all my ebooks at the reduced pricing. Starting 1st July, the prices will almost double for every single one of these.

Get instant access to these one (or more) ebooks today. These prices are never coming back again. Not on Diwali, not on New Year, not on my next birthday. The last time ever:

The Corporate Life Handbook: If you are in corporate job and struggle with daily humdrums of it, one-pagers with harsh truths are something no one is going to tell you :)

The Career Changing Guide: If you are looking for a sign, this is it my friend.

How to Deal with Heartbreak: A book almost everyone needs but no one gives you right in your hand. If you don’t need this, get this for a friend you know certainly needs it :)

Every Writer Needs to Read this: A book I wish I had 11 years ago when I was starting out as a writer

Some of the praises from you all on these books:

“Everything, I guess this is the very first book that I read in one go. Yes, the book stands true to its title, Every Writer Needs to Read This, and in a manner that's so beautiful and articulate. I'm falling short of words and I'm just in awe of the writing.”
- Harsh Srivastava (Content Manager & Editor)

“I loved the fact that you were so transparent about what it would take to make a career change and that you did not promise anything quick and fancy.”
—Nirali

“Loved the simple Language. Clear, honest and to the point content.”
—Sheetal Lakhotia

“The fact that your success can be defined by you, and it can be completely different than what you see around. The importance of consistency, and how your curiosity can surprise you if you are receptive and work on it. At times, it does not guide you on what needs to be done but rather makes you introspect, which will enable you to decide what works for you. And lastly, how pure your relationship must be with your art.”
- Sakshi Rana (Content Writer)

“Unlike some of the books in this genre, which either go ham on being preachy or discard a notion, this book is completely the opposite and miraculously works wonders!”

“Less fluff, more actionable stuff.”

“Very motivational, written in casual-speak instead of formal language and jargon.”

“A quick read, and to the point. I believe that's how informative books should be.”

“I love the idea of the book. Simple ideas breaking into the simple stuffs.”

Please enjoy. Now let’s get to our today’s newsletter.

Raw and Real conversation

Last week I read a thriller book, whose last chapter had a line I could not forget:

“You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.”

For some time, it did not make sense to me at all. Until it did.

Here is what this means:

• You may try your best to help someone. Your help will be helpful only if they really want to change.

• If they don’t even want to change, you are simply another feather in their cocktail of problems.

• Which also means, as hard as it may sound, maybe you should change your mind of helping them.

• Sometimes people cling on to their problems because without those problems they would be successful. Truth be told, people are scared of success more than they are scared of failures.

For us as really helpful people, it is scary to see a loved one go through a mess and not wanting to change it. Especially when we know the solution to it.

I have also come to understand everyone is a master of their choices. Even if they don’t know it, you can only serve someone food, put it in a spoon, and feed them. They still have to do the hard work of chewing it. No one is going to do it for them.

So, how do we really help someone who is struggling, but unconsciously loves that struggle?

Here is something that has helped me:

1. Make your life free of struggles first. Lead by example, honey.

2. When you see your loved one struggling, take a deep breath. Followed by no advice from your end. The second part is more important. Acceptance, as hard as it may sound, is the silent key to changing someone. Especially from a negative state of life to positive.

3. At least 3 times a day, visualise them being happy and free. Do not wish for them “not struggling or anything specific” because we really cannot (and should not) inflict our desires onto others. At the same time, our good wishes reduce the baggage of expectations we are sending them.

4. Sometimes people only need love for their imperfect selves. As much as it is hurting them, a weird thing that has helped me is I consider my loved one a stranger when they are falling in love again with their problems. Since I do not have the right to ask a stranger to change their pattern, I go quiet.

5. I know the above might not be the most helpful strategy. It again comes down to a singular conclusion: Adults may or may not choose their misery. Though they still choose to stay in that misery.

*tried

That is it, folks.

Short and direct.

Difficult for someone who is a loving sibling, loving son or daughter, or a loving friend and cannot help the other. More difficult, though, is to rub a butter knife against the bark of a banyan tree. No help.

Sometimes the only way to free someone is to set them free.

2 Raw One Liners:

• You can express your dissent without getting angry or agitated.

• So what if they underestimate you? So what if they overestimate you? None of it defines what you think of yourself.

3 (for) Real great lines I read in books and online last week:

1. Become the self you’d be proud to be. Hang out with people and ideas that help you become that self. Act like that self every chance you get. —Seth Godin

2. Any response that’s not an outright rejection of your offer means you have the edge. —Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss (Few people would be smart enough to read and apply the principles of this book.)

3. Yes, I believe every environment has a tone. If you were to walk into any home as a stranger, not speaking the language, you could absolutely feel whether this is a place where people are loved. Just as you can sense when something’s off. —What Happened to You, Oprah Winfrey

That is it for this week, my friend.

I’ll see you next week with 34 lessons on 34th birthday post. Yay :))

Please remember, though, the prices on these ebooks are low for the last time ever. Going to ~2x next month onwards. Never discounting again. Grab (or gift) them now :) You will have instant access on purchasing them.

The Corporate Life Handbook: If you are in corporate job and struggle with daily humdrums of it, one-pagers with harsh truths are something no one is going to tell you :)

The Career Changing Guide: If you are looking for a sign, this is it my friend.

How to Deal with Heartbreak: A book almost everyone needs but no one gives you right in your hand. If you don’t need this, get this for a friend you know certainly needs it :)

Every Writer Needs to Read this: A book I wish I had 11 years ago when I was starting out as a writer

Chalo chalo, stay raw, stay real, and never stop reading.

Nishtha Gehija

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